“Begin to be now what you will be hereafter.”
– William James
So the past 8 months or so have been a process of becoming. Something New. Slowly and steadily, I’ve been acquiring a gravity that I didn’t have before. I’ve had to accept new limitations, both physical and mental, and stare them in the face. I’ve tried to change some of them, and tried to make room for others as they grow more and more persistent. The inevitable will not be ignored. I’ve had to shift almost everything about my life-how I work, how I play, when and where I spend time….hell, even the gear I travel with has changed. I’m leaving behind who I was to become someone totally new. At least, she feels totally new to me. She looks about the same, which makes the transformation a bit more surreal and confusing.
This must be why new moms do drastic things with their hair.
Easy changes to see. Harder to describe. I’ve got roughly 5 weeks left in my first pregnancy. I say first because I always pictured myself with two kids, a dog and some uber-cool lifestyle that allows for constant adventure. I’m still working on several of those.We shall see where Life takes me in the next few years.
Time is running out on the things I can do pre-parenthood. The nursery is only half done, and there are several little adult-like things I’ve got to do in the next few weeks to complete the transition into “Responsible Parent.” I’ve got books to read, projects to finish, plans to make, loose ends to tie up, and places to go. Being restless, excited, moody, and slow-moving is a frustrating combination. But it goes with the theme of my life right now very well: How to be many conflicting things all at once. I’ve had to reorganize all my ideas about my limitations, my abilities, my priorities, my shortcomings, and my strengths. Is that too vague for you, Reader? I realize I’m speaking mostly in broad generalizations, but the lessons of Life are rarely specific. Unless you’re in a sitcom.
Oh, I do have one, slightly sad lesson that has been made very clear to me. I am, for now, dancing for two, and I think #2 is tired of being pressed to the side of my body by centrifugal force every time I do a swing-out. So she told me last night- very clearly– that dancing is off of the agenda for the next few weeks as a physical activity. I was hoping to make it all the way to the end, dancing along. Not gonna happen at this point. I’ll have to content myself with walking and weights. My body was just not build to haul around this bulk efficiently.
So as I roll along towards the completion of this Most-Important-Project-So-Far, I”ll have to fall away from my favorite activity and find a new outlet for my (ever-waning) energies. In the meantime, every day is different for me, and that is something I’m trying to appreciate…as I roll to the kitchen yet again for another snack.