You’re a Petri Dish

There are reasonable people you can talk to in the world. Then there are parents.

Now that I’ve joined the club, I get a pass on reasoned, rational behavior. I’m not required to be level-headed anymore. I blame my child. Either I’m doing something crazy for her benefit or because of her behavior. I plan to ride that excuse all the way into the dusty sunset. It works for me.

!! over protective mom !!

Having said all that, let me explain to you the reasoning behind my (slightly rude) holiday gathering behavior:

I’m a little enthusiastic about hand-washing around the holiday season. Especially if you want to hold my daughter. I’m also stingy about passing her around to be held by anyone and everyone at gatherings. And people trying to touch her hand. It’s sort of your own fault.

See, the thing is… you’re gross.

!! Petri dish !!No offense, but you’re a walking Petri dish and a danger to my cherubic little spawn. So keep in mind that when you reach for my baby’s hand/foot/head/face, that my hormone-flooded brain doesn’t see your good intentions, or your delight in her little gummy smile. My brain sees a germ infested hand reaching for my baby. A potential misery-delivery system the likes of which makes me shudder to think about.

I see your hand reaching for my baby and I see myself, awake for hours in the middle of the night, rocking my baby as she cries with fever. I see the possibility of a hospital trip if her fever spikes. I see bubonic plague or whatever is on your hands from the last time you wiped your mouth/nose/whatever without thinking. I see the supercomputer that is your immune system sliding up to the abacus that is my child’s immune system and uploading something she just can’t handle (god, you can really tell sometimes that I’m married to an IT guy). I see possible disaster and general miserableness…

So when I freak out about you touching her, it’s nothing personal. It’s just that you’re a Petri dish, and I’m the person who will have to deal with the fall-out. If you’re a parent, you’ll understand. If you’re not, you won’t, but you’ll nod sympathetically at the explanation. And that’s okay. I’m fine with being humored at this point. I want a good night of sleep more than I want to maintain civility.

!!  No 1 !!

I apologize in advance to the people I’m going to offend over the next few weeks, either by refusing to let you hold my offspring or asking you to wash your hands or running the other way when I see you coming towards me. It’s nothing personal. You’re a Petri dish.

The Party Cometh (and how I’ll ring in 2013 like a toddler)…

17 days left…

Where does the time go? It seems like just yesterday I was recovering from Lindy Focus X, and now here we are again.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Lindy Focus, I’ll try to describe it.(Disclaimer: Lindy Focus is like that party you hear about that everyone had a great time at, but can never quite describe why. You just had to be there.) It’s a dance camp that takes place in Asheville, North Carolina every December 26 through January 1st. The focus (ha!) is on teaching the jazz dances known as Lindy Hop and Balboa.

Here’s a link to a clip of what that dance looks like.

The dance itself is a TON of fun to do, and the atmosphere of the camp is always a blast. The entire camp takes place at the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Asheville for five days (the staff loves us…no, really they do! We’re polite and clean and interesting.) It’s you and all your dancing friends in a hotel for days with nothing to do but hang out, take classes from some of the best lindy hop instructors in the world, and dance. You can dance from 8 at night until sunrise, if the mood strikes you.

Evita-in-invitational-J&JBasically, it is the summer camp your child-self would have invented for your adult-self, if your child-self had known this much fun was possible. I first went in 2006 and have gone every year since. It a fantastic experience and I ring in the New Year in style at a party where I know I’ll have fun. Every. Time.

So we’re 17 days out now from Lindy Focus, and I’m psyched! Last year I had only just started growing my little Peanut, so I mostly slept and ate…like you do. But this year- ah, this year, It. Is. On. You will find me dancing my ass off as much as I can and showing off my obviously genetically gifted daughter to anyone I can corner.

After five days and four nights of classes, socializing and dancing, it’s time to ring in the new year. By the time you get to the New Year’s Eve dance at Lindy Focus, you’re usually just running on fumes. Delicious, exhilarating fumes. Your muscles have danced so much that you barely need to be awake to do it- which is fortunate, since by this point, almost no one is fully awake anymore. The New Year’s Eve dance always has a live band and the dance floor is packed. Hundreds of people just having fun. So since my daughter will be with me this year, and she’ll be all of 5 months old, I’m pretty sure that I’ll get to stay up for the countdown this year in some fashion, but there will likely be some crying (it’s anyone’s guess as to who), some random snacking, some bad behavior, and a few diaper changes. I’ll be ringing in 2013 much like a toddler, but that’s okay. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Closer to Home

My little Pumpkin is moving closer to a new stage- MOBILITY.

wide eyes

Staring at the face of yet another Life Change, this is how I feel.

Dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnn……

She can now flip over with the greatest (and quickest) of ease, push herself up, and actively tries to escape any area where she is laid down by rolling away. Soon she’ll be crawling, and my carefree days of laying her down and expecting her to stay will be over.

I can’t really say I’m 100% looking forward to it. Yes, of course I’m looking forward to all her growth developments, ever ready with a camera and a maternal word of praise (and wine). But there is an ease and security in what I’ve lovingly come to think of as The Paperweight Stage. I can step away from the changing table to get something, and she’s there when I come back. She’s not trying to outrun me, and isn’t coordinated enough to really hold things without dropping them (I’m told that the skill of holding things without dropping them may actually take another 7 to 10 years, but in the meantime there are enough hazards around my house to make it unnecessary to hold something for very long to make it dangerous). This stage right now is easy- compared to what is to come. Oh, I’ve seen it. Toddlers move amazingly fast. Like petulant ninjas with no code of ethics. It’s no picnic to try and corral someone who is operating totally out of her Id. Soon she’ll be asking for the car keys and stealing my clothes.

!!-Big-eyes-!!Dear god, how did we get here this fast? Okay, it wasn’t fast…four months of sleep deprivation has been devastating to my mental ability, social life and personal hygiene level. But now all of the sudden she can roll. Roll! That’s huge for someone who lacks the ability to reliably use her opposable thumbs. So it wasn’t fast but it was. The penultimate parental paradox. (Say that three times fast. Now chug some wine and do it. I dare you.)

I guess one of my first acts in 2013 will be to childproof the house. Right after I sleep off Lindy Focus.