My entire world somehow shifted, and I noticed it….but I didn’t realize it. I know, it doesn’t make much sense to me either.
Last week was the annual Lindy Hop dance camp known as Lindy Focus. For the easily-overstimulated, introverted, sleep-deprived woman I’ve become, it’s just…not fun anymore. And after three years of trying to enjoy myself here, I finally realized it. Not just noticed, but realized. Strange.
See, three years ago at this time, I was cooking a wee bun in my metaphorical oven. I was about 11 weeks along, tired all the time (ha!) and having to be careful with what I ate and how much I slept. That was the beginning of the end for me, as far as carefree fun goes. Since then, I’ve come back and tried to have fun, but last year and this year have just been lacking something (a sense of humor? flexibility?), and I can’t deny it to myself anymore.
I don’t like this. Dancing just doesn’t do it for me right now.
Why does this give me vertigo? Because for a long (and crucial) period of my life, dancing was part of my identity. It made me happy. It gave me friends and a social life that I once enjoyed. Maybe I wasn’t the best dancer, but I identified primarily as a swing dancer. It gave me reliable joy. And now I don’t have that. So I’m sort of lost. I’m the type of person that needs an outlet for my way of expressing joy and being in the world. It helps me focus and clarify things. Now I’ve got to find something new, and I’m not sure how best to go about it. Sure, I could try to cling to dance a bit longer, but my instincts are pretty loud on this one…it would be futile.
So I’m left with a void to fill and a lot of friends that I’m worried I’ll lose the ability to connect to. I’m not good at small talk in the best of circumstances. Without casual dance chat (how bout that rock-step, eh? …see, I told you.), I’m not sure what I’ll talk about. For a socially awkward/introverted person to lose that one thing that had finally become easy(ish) for her, this is a bit devastating.
Ah, well. I guess change is good. There’s a t-shirt somewhere that says that, right?